I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
You Might Also Like
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
