I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
goldfish mafia
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Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
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Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out