I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
#SuperBowl
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.