Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

My loaf of bread looks terrified

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.