I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
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It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Smells like a challenge to me