I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Welcome
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.