Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

Worth a try

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”