Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

the official breakfast of 2021

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.