I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
New menu item
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Terribly Tuesday.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.