Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming