I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
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Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics