I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Thank you 🥹
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”