I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Trumpy Cat
Children of the Corn Man
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
wtf is a larm clock?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.