Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

pep talk

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Its a hippotatomus

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.