I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
one of
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool