I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
These are my roll models.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My whole life was a lie.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*