I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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A fake ID that makes you younger
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard