I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby