I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*