I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
