I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
This has made my week.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.