I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
i was baptized in a car wash
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do