Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

She was REALLY feeling it.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.