I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My apathy is at an all time whatever.