I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
You Might Also Like
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang