I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.