Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

i wish we could shoplift online

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter