I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING