Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.