I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Go gym
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger