I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
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I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
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*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.