I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.