Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin