I bet
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?