I bet
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When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Birds & Planes.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?