Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
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Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
“What?”
– Jude
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.