My uncle Paul does great bird impressions,
He eats worms.
I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.
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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson
cop: do you know why i pulled u over?
me: was i speeding?
me: was my tail light out?
me: is it because u need a hug
cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk