I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.


I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.


Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke


Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.


Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead


[airport security]
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*


I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson


cop: do you know why i pulled u over?

me: was i speeding?

cop: no

me: was my tail light out?

cop: no

me: is it because u need a hug

cop: yes


cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk