I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane



[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit


I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?


[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?


[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]


If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.


My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.


Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?


Alan from Facebook is concerned about “boarder” control and thinks they should “learn our langage”


Obama’s not stupid. If he’s spying, he’s going to do it through an appliance Trump actually uses: the tanning bed.