@moose_chocolate

I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

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@AndyAsAdjective

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

@AnkCoupleTO

[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

@MarfSalvador

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

@Reverend_Scott

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

@ericsshadow

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

@Bob_Janke

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

@Adam14

Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?

@Sam_From_Kansas

Alan from Facebook is concerned about “boarder” control and thinks they should “learn our langage”

@liv_thatsme

Obama’s not stupid. If he’s spying, he’s going to do it through an appliance Trump actually uses: the tanning bed.