@moose_chocolate

I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

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@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@SondraDeeMe

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

@TheBeerGuy73

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

@TheEighthKnight

Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead

@FrenulumBreve

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

@zdarsky

I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson

@dugglebutt

cop: do you know why i pulled u over?

me: was i speeding?

cop: no

me: was my tail light out?

cop: no

me: is it because u need a hug

cop: yes

*hugsies*

cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk