Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

All right then, keep your secrets

You might just have to resign…

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

time machine? you mean a clock?

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing