I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Still cracks me up
