Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

you know what ruined my childhood? children

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.