I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.