Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
You Might Also Like
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.