@KenJennings

I bet a lot of people have tried that “See you next year!” joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.

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@Sassafrantz

And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
Matthew 4:23

@realHamOnWry

[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

@wickedsuga

If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.

@AngelaEhh

When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’

I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’

I’m popular.

@PoodleSnarf

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

@hippieswordfish

ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN
FRIEND: oh cool how was it
ME: WHAT

@smiles_and_nods

I look terrible this morning, like really really terrible.

My phone’s facial recognition: Oh hey there Andi.