Shaved my girlfriend’s cat. Think she’ll take the hint?
I bet a lot of people have tried that “See you next year!” joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
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And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
[Delta Airlines Interview]
Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.
When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’
I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN
FRIEND: oh cool how was it
I look terrible this morning, like really really terrible.
My phone’s facial recognition: Oh hey there Andi.