Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

A decision was made here.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.