Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies