Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

He’s cranky this morning

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Finally, an explanation.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.