I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Same post same
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.