Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Breaking news:

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

New favorite tiktok

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*