i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
based
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,