Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.