I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.