Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Lucky old June.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.