Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

[montage of me giving-up]

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted