Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

ㅤ

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….