Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

That’s what I call a flat tire

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

this made my day 😂

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want