I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
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ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?