I bet birds love this building.
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”