I bet birds love this building.
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Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.