– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Story of my life…..
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming