I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
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Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it