I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
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Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas