Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

It do be feeling this way.

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

How much for the goth pool noodles?

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

Morning all.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?