I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”