I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
incredible google review i just found
