I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Oops 🤭
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
This is the best one I’ve seen
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips