I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
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I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was