I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Accurate
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.