I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
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Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
bat life
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so