I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I am a gravy boat captain
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*pronounces fake like saké*
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !