@rolldiggity

I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?

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@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

@_elvishpresley_

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

@HeyZeus666

You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.

@mattytalks

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

@LurkAtHomeMom

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

@sonictyrant

[pet shop]

Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.

Me: you mean the african large?

Customer: i think it’s a lion.

Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?

Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?

Me: snapping canoe lizard

Customer: i’ll take it

@ItsMeAshleyWee

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

@KeetPotato

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

@humorandanimals

this is anya, she’s better at jenga than i could ever hope to be
(anyathegsd IG)