I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?