I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.