I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Good Morning.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game