Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Whoa 😂

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo