I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you