I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
how to have an accident 101
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Cartman: Respect my
a a
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.