I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
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Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Not now. I’m deglazing.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*