Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

When your diet is finally over.

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot