Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

lol

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.