Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand