I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
You Might Also Like
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.